Breathing Room - DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
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IMDB rating: 4.40 Plot: Thrown naked into a desolate room with thirteen strangers, Tonya (Ailsa Marshall) discovers that she is the final contestant in a deadly game. Restrained by lethal electronic collars, the players must utilize hints and tools from a box marked “pieces” to find both an exit and the reason for their abduction. One by one the players are eliminated as their “curfew” begins and the lights go out. With each dead body comes another clue, which they use to discover that one of them is the killer. The question is … which one? |
Available versions:
DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
Actors: McLafferty Michael,Higlen David,Culver Brad,Estes Kim,Foster Keith,Atik Jeff,Cembrinski Steve,Gerlach Bryce,Drama,Horror,Thriller,
What do you think of the beginning of my story?
In case you are wondering, the main character, Robert, is under ten years old when this event is taking place.
He was gasping heavily for each breath in the smoke filled room, trying desperately to stop the horror of suffocating right in the middle of this nightmare. He has been struck with the terror of being left behind, being left alone, here, left to fend for himself. Now, over-run with overwhelming hysterical emotion, he decided to just crawl into the closet, away from the smoke and the flames. He curled up into a ball, his elbows resting uncomfortably on his shaky legs. He laid his head in the center, trying to block the burning sensation out of his eyes and throat.
It took a little while for Robert to realize what exactly had happened. He remembered his mother nonchalantly smoking a cigarette as he was playing with his toys trucks when he was told to go upstairs when his father arrived home. As he climbed the wooden stairs, he immediately heard his father yelling, which told him he better do as he was told. He now knew that his mother’s cigarette must have been knocked out of her hand, and ignited the couch on fire, which had inevitably lit the whole house on fire.
Even though he was young at the time, Robert still could not believe that his parents had just ran out of the burning house, not even recognizing the fact that they had left their only son upstairs in his room. He was frustrated as to how they could not remember him. Afterall, he was the only child in the family, and how hard could be to remember your only child?
Robert was sweating horribly now, his throat burning as he gasped for more air, air that he was having a hard time receiving. His lungs kept needing more oxygen, and Robert could not supply it. His eyes burned horribly from the smoke and flames, and he only wished he had put his glasses on before all of this happened. The glasses would have been his shield from all of what was being thrown his way.
Suddenly, Robert heard rattling at the window, and cringed as it was being broken, sending a thousand, tiny pieces of glass to fly about his already destroyed room. He could make out footsteps and hoped it was his mother or father coming to retrieve him, to save him from this nightmare. The footsteps came closer, and Robert jumped as the door to his closet unexpectedly opened. There stood a tall figure, dressed in nothing but an oddly colored suit, that Robert thought looked a bit strange. The silhouetted person carried an axe, or that was what he recognized it to be. The figure reached his hand out to Robert, but Robert denied it. He did not know who this person was or what they wanted. He was always told to stay away from strangers.
"We gotta get you out of here, buddy," the person called to Robert. The flames were roaring unbelievably now and Robert kept choking on his own shallow breathe.
"You’re not my daddy," Robert rasped as loud as he could, politely informing the stranger that he was not going to go with him.
Despite what Robert had just told the figure, the person grabbed ahold of Robert, sliding the boy’s slender body into a tight grasp, simply so the boy did not escape. "Let me go! Let me go!" Robert shouted numerous times, hoping that the figure would have enough sense to let him down. Despite the boy’s constant pleading, he held on to him and they somehow managed to get down a latter, escaping from the burning house that now was being sprayed at by many green hoses.
"Here you go, buddy," the figure said as he sat Robert down on a gurney, putting an oxygen mask over the young boy’s mouth. "Breathe deeply." Robert did as he was told, as he always did.
The stranger took off his mask, throwing it harshly down to the ground. Robert saw that the stranger was not a stranger afterall, he was a fireman, like the ones that he had seen while watching television with his father one day. The firefighter’s greasy, black hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat.
The fireman turned to the young boy sitting up on the gurney, his eyes wide with fear and confusion. "You okay there, buddy?" He asked, wrapping a dark blue blanket around his shoulders.
All Robert did was nod, realizing that he could not talk yet. His throat and eyes burned terribly, and all of his body was throbbing. He had never felt this kind of pain before, even when he sprained his ankle from playing soccer, nothing had ever hurt this badly.
The fireman lowered himself to Robert’s level, kneeling on his knee. "You’re going to be okay," he reassured him. "We’re gonna get you checked out at the hospital. You’ll be just fine."
Somehow, Robert gathered up strength in his voice and croaked. "Where’s mommy and daddy?"
The fireman’s eyes gleamed with sadness, so much so that even young Robert could tell something was wrong. Not having the heart to tell the little guy what had happened, he just told him, "They’re fine. They’re already at the hospital waiting for you to arrive. So, lets get you out
of here."
Two paramedics came over to assist the fireman in putting the gurney into the ambulance, and another paramedic got in the back with Robert, just to be safe in case anything happened on the way there. As the firefighter was turning his back on the boy to get out of of the ambulance, Robert grabbed his arm. "Thank you," he told the man generously, his baby blue eyes shining with gratefulness. Robert had always been told to say thank you to someone who has helped him, and he was not going to start disobeying the rules just because his parents were not there with him. The firefighter nodded at the boy and said, "You’re welcome, buddy."
What did you think of it? Please feel free to point out any mistakes and give me constructive critism and critiques.
Thanks! Much appreciated!
It intrigued me and kept me reading. Occasionally, you used a word a few more times than necessary, but that could be fixed easily if you find a synonym in a thesaurus.
Other than that… excellent. =)
Spotty | Nov 17, 2009
GOOD GRACIOUS1 That was so good i thought you published like so serious your wording! your pacing! it was all so good and it had me like what happened to his parents/ YOur definately talented writer and for that you have my eternal envy! GREAT GREAT GREAT!
Fame writer | Nov 17, 2009
Its very good, the only thing i would change is how the fire started. It doesn’t seem realistic that a single cigarette could cause a huge fire in such a short time. maybe you could say the father got a drink(vodka,something flamable) when he came home and when he yelled he threw the glass of vodka at the mother, missed her and the glass of vodka landed on the couch, the father came after her and she dropped the cigarette on the couch, and that’s how it started. Or some thing like that.
Holly | Nov 17, 2009 Uncategorized | Comment (0)